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wild sea-scented boy,
when it's time to
use the razor
i will cry and i might
leave dark-moon bruises
on your biceps
but i won't
blame you,

i won't. instead,
i will remember
primitive indigo dawns
with naked lamplight
light on half your face,
fire in your eyes,  
me trapped between
your hands firm on the sides of my head,
i will remember cathartic silences,
your gaze leaking into my tear ducts,
my waist
my ribcage
my sadness  
that you taste away,
the pulse of your vitals
against mine, lips raw with
sincerity,
and i will remember  
our skins our touch
the energy flowing through
our foreheads,
your bicycle
your pen
your smell your smile
your hold your salt water
that i will take with me
forever.
boy born from ocean breeze
there is no other you
i still do not want this blade but
i do not blame you.
does the title fit?
i purposely stayed away from punctuation because i wanted to achieve an emptier, airy, slow feel. how did that work out? or is it just all jumbled up together?
what do you see the 'razor' to be? and what blame?

critique: [link]

their words mostly noises
ghosts with just voices
your words in my memory
are like music to me.

(i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms.)
--snow patrol
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   General Artist
Congratulations on the well-deserved DLD, dear one! :clap:
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:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much! :blackrose:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013   General Artist
sure thing, sweetpea! :huggle:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Gorgeous. Congratulations on your DLD!
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:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! (:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!
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:iconthecheshercat:
TheChesherCat Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love the darkness and the ocean together -- not a pair of images that you see together very often, and it's very powerful.
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much. :blackrose:
Reply
:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
love love love love. i think i need to watch you now because i've seen your work a couple of times and it always takes my breath away.

i did like the lack of punctuation here - makes it feel very raw. i also loved all the ocean metaphors because who doesn't love ocean metaphors??? i'm pretty sure i've used oceans too much as metaphors because they're perfect to describe everything. i sure like the way you related the ocean here to a boy who can't be contained, someone who the tide will maybe take away. so yes, i do think the title makes perfect sense.

the proximity of the words "lamplight" and "light" feels slightly awkward to me but perhaps you meant that?

of course the razor/blade to me refers to suicide. it's the obvious symbol, but maybe you meant it for something else, i don't know.

anyway. love this. :heart: your words are always hypnotic. :heart:
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
aww thank you

aha i feel like many people use ocean metaphors too often. oh well.
that's a very interesting way of seeing the relationship between the ocean and the boy. i actually did not think of that myself when i was writing. (:

and yes, i intentionally put the 'light's close together.

thank you so much for your comment.
and i really appreciate your support.

:heart:
Reply
:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
no problem! (:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :blackrose:
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your fantastic work has been featured here!
I'd really appreciate it if you could give some love to the other features and :+fav: the journal! :heart:
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i'm honored!
thank you so much.
keep doing these! :rose:
Reply
:iconersatz-moon:
ersatz-moon Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:your smell your smile
^that really speaks
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:blackrose: thank you
Reply
:iconechococonut:
echococonut Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012
hi so i really, really like this! the imagery in this is beautiful: "primitive indigo dawns" and "naked lamplight" mmm yes.

since you ask, i interpreted the razor parts as the narrator inflicting self-harm in memory of (but without blaming, as she points out) a boy. i am not usually a fan of of the words "razor/blade" in pieces about cutting because they are often used so blatantly that the words sometimes lose meaning, but i think the scarcity/subtly you use with these words works very well in this poem. :heart:
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
but yes i tended there to be that implication you said. perhaps it's somewhere embedded in their history. :blackrose:
Reply
:iconechococonut:
echococonut Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012
ahhhh now that you've told me that and i read through the poem again it's much more clear, i really like the way that works!
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
aha thanks then :)
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:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hi! thank you so much. :blackrose:

hm. the razor parts actually refer to 'cutting' the relationship. but yes, perhaps you could say that. :)
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:iconechococonut:
echococonut Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012
subtlety*
Reply
:iconmetanoetics:
metanoetics Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Student Writer
Wow. This is fantastic. The imagery is beautiful and the rhyming is very smooth. I think the non-use of punctuation fits really well. Personally, I like writing poetry in that way because it does give it that emptier, slow feeling while you're reading it. It doesn't seem jumbled together at all.
I love the imagery of "wild sea-scented boy" at the start of the poem. It's a great opening. :heart:
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much. i'm flattered :}

oh and. you have one of the most interesting "about me" descriptions i've come across on dA. the voices... do they really? oh please tell me it's true.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Student Writer
I think the way you don't use punctuation works with the poem, although it makes it faster rather than slower for me. It reads like a thought-process, one long stream of images and sensory details, and I like that.
I saw the razor as a separation that the boy is choosing, and that the narrator does not want, but will accept eventually, and hold on to the memories of the boy.
Really liked the poem itself, it definitely made me sad and gave me some lovely images. I think you could do away with the different font, but I understand that might just be a stylistic choice on your part :)
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much. :rose:
and the way you see the razor is :w00t:
haha i only have so many font choices. and i get tired of certain ones so. :meow:
Reply
:iconladyxaim:
LadyXaim Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Student Writer
This was really good. I especially lovehow you didn't really use punctuation and you didn'tuse any uppercase letters. That madeit flow really well. However, I got confused at some parts, like when you said "your gaze leaking into my tear ducts" How does the person's gaze leak INTO you're tear ducts. Tears leak out. Also, when you said "the energy flowing through our foreheads, your bicycle your pen" That just came out of nowhere and it threw me off very much. But again the lack of punctuation/uppercase letters softened that blow. I would reccoment, if you want to leave that in there, that you figure out a way to really tie it in, so that it doesn't just appear out of nowhere. All in all, good peice!!
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hi. :) thanks for the comment! :rose:
i like how you thought the bicycle part came out of nowhere because i felt the same about that part. :meow: this poem was actually written for a specific person who would understand those references. and yes, dA discourages people from posting writing that requires a reader's knowledge of the writer's personal life or stuff but i figured that this poem was insignificant enough for it to get by with that fault. :P

and about your previous point: the phrase is not meant to be literal. you can interpret it any way you want. 'confusion' is pretty common when people read poetry but i think sometimes you're not meant to understand every detail, and instead just soak the entire thing in? :blackrose:

thanks again.
Reply
:iconladyxaim:
LadyXaim Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Student Writer
No problem. Haha, oh that's totally fine. I think everybody puts something with a specific person in mind up on here. So yea, it's fine. Also, yes, confusion is a large part of poetry O.o sometimes I don't understand what I write, I just write it lol. But I always understand it when I re-read. A lot of people don't have the open-ness to just soak poetry in, they want a meaning and they want it NOW. But dA is different, these people read and re-read and let it soak. They roll it around in their minds, chew it up, spit it out. And when they're done, there's some amazing suggestions that would make the peice much better. That is to say; I hope you didn't think I was being harsh and hating on your peice. I was simply offering my advice. So, I loved the peice and thanks for taking to time to reply to my comment ^^ :D :P :nod: :dummy: :la: :happybounce: :squee:
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:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:blackrose: yes.
some of the stuff on here is really good.
haha i like your emoticons. :la:
Reply
:iconladyxaim:
LadyXaim Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you ^^ it took me a while O.o I'm still trying to learn icons so I'm keeping a list. Look-
:icongermanyfacepalmplz:
:iconharuhilaplz:
:iconblushingtamakiplz:
:iconhikaruplz:
:iconkauroplz:
:iconbirdplz:
:iconimthinkingplz:
:iconbegplz:
:iconiloveyouplz:
:iconyoupissedmeoffplz:
:iconfistpumpingplz:
:iconhappyhappyplzz:
:icononionfailplz:
:shakefist:
:iconfuckyeaplz:
:icontamapuppyplz:
:iconharurageplz:
:iconkyonkyonplz:
:iconehehe-plz:
:icon34nipaplz:
:iconlenpopipoplz:
:icontinoplz:
:icongermanydanceplz:
:icondiotsuhairfixplz:
:iconchibigermanyplz:
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:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
UGH. :faint:
This is so so gorgeous.
I can't even.

Also, that song makes my heart hurt.

I don't know if I can formulate a proper critique, but here goes.

:bulletblue: I think the title does fit in a way, however I'd encourage messing around with other titles to see if anything else would fit even better.
:bulletblue: The lack of punctuation does work. A suggestion would be to play with the format a bit; sometimes a visual guide helps to get the point across as well, if that makes sense.
:bulletblue: I took the razor as a literal razor, like the person is physically hurting themselves, and the narrator isn't blaming them for doing it. Going back and reading it again, it could also make sense in the context of the razor being something detrimental in the narrator's life relating to the person. While the narrator can't necessarily do anything about it, they also don't place the blame on the person.
:bulletblue: Your imagery is stunning. I would point out specifics, but I'm obsessed with all of them.
:bulletblue: This line: your smell your smile your hold your salt water kind of interrupts the flow and changes the cadence.
:bulletblue: Also try experimenting with line breaks; they can make a big difference especially in flow which tends to get a little bumpy instead of floaty at times.

I hope this was helpful!
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:O :faint: wow, well. i feel flattered. :meow: and sorry i took so long to reply; i always have difficulty replying to such detailed comments cuz i don't know what to say back so i don't sound like a fool. :P

both your points about the razor are right on the spot for what i intended. :)
hm, yes i think that line among others are a bit awkward in flow. i changed it a bit. *bit. think it's slightly better now? i couldn't think of another way to improve it. D:

very helpful. thank you so much for the detailed comment. :rose:
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Speaking of a late reply... :XD:

Glad I could help! (:
Reply
:iconbittersweetobsession:
BittersweetObsession Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012   General Artist
this is incredibly beautiful. the way you manipulate words is insanely gorgeous. the formatting is also effective, it isn't choppy and flows well.

i think the title suit it well, but in an elusive and mysterious way.

i think the "airy, slow" feel was conveyed well; i don't think punctuation could really improve this at all. it seems fine the way it is.

beautiful work. keep writing. :)
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much. :rose:

and for the watch, too. thanks :)
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Student Writer
1. I personally think you could have a stronger title for this. Perhaps drawing on a line in your poem.

2. I think the line breaks/no punctuation works fine. You moved onto a new line whenever there was a pause.

3. I think the "razor" refers to this boy leaving, and the tearing and pain that occurs as a result.

Overall, great poem! I love the imagery. There are sections I feel can be made stronger, such as the overuse of adjectives. But if you play with the wording a bit, your poem will be strengthened. :)
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you for the comment :heart:

aha about the razor: very insightful. :)

i will look into the overuse of adjectives. yeah, i kind of thought so too.
thanks again. :)
Reply
:iconcaptainemz:
captainemz Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ohh, so much dizzying masochism, which I only realized after looking over it again. The first stanza can be interpreted in either way (in terms of who the razor will act upon). The second part up until "forever," there was a gradual lead-up to a balance, a mutual tragedy of the two. The last line switched me to the other interpretation. What a voice. And I like the title, "taking," as how it is.
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:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:O thank you so much!i like your interpretation. 'mutual tragedy'. i like.
thanks. :blackrose:
Reply
:icononxthexedge:
onXtheXedge Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012
rhyming the last few lines was a great touch, made everything stand out a bit more in my opinion. great job! <3
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
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