literature

sick hydrangea and my bones

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520romeo's avatar
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Literature Text

i bare my bones to the screeching moon.
twenty-nine days, and i claw again.
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.

ribcage and spine: shadows soften too soon.
light, light, as i crawl through the glen.
i bare my bones to the screeching moon.

i gouge myself open to find the rune,
hacking, peeling, like do all wise men.
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.

pooling skin-folds, i want them scattered, strewn.
this skin's all bark and oozing holes when
i bare my bones to the screeching moon.

bubble, swell; i can hear the snakes croon.
beauty of being lies beneath the vein.
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.

crazed lust for hungered grace at night's high noon:
haunt me til all the blue months turn sane.
i bare my bones to the screeching moon;
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.
villanelle.

EDIT: DLD featured here [link]
and here [link]
and here [link] .
thank you so much, everyone. :rose:



this poem. sucked so much out of me.
please give it a chance.

- what do you think it's about?
- do the images convey the ideas alright?
- flow between stanzas, and even lines? they don't jump around too much, right?
- is there too much of a jump between the first two lines of the second last stanza?
- how cohesive is it, overall?
- does it still manage to possess the "beauty" that poetry is supposed to have? supposed
critique: [link]


thanks. all comments are much appreciated :rose:
© 2012 - 2024 520romeo
Comments35
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TheOnly-MaKaila's avatar
Opinion: Our best works demand so much of us and are the better for it. Speaking of, this villanelle seems to be about sacrifice. It's all the more haunting and desperate because of the speaker's willingness to give, almost begging for his or her audience to take and do what we will.

Images: The imagery is great, evoking feelings, scenes, and colors alike. I love the juxtaposition of the moon and the color maroon; I think that using the moon in a piece tends to ensnare us in opalescence because the celestial body is, well, colorless. However, by rhyming "moon" with "maroon" and capturing them in a dance through repetition (such is a villanelle, right?), you remind us to color in all the missing shades. Mentioning the color also subtly reminds us (or me, at least) of blood without the cliché "crimson" or plain old "red."

Flow: I just wrapped up the next three questions in one, since they're all related. I don't think that there's too much jumping around or anything. There's a nice flow, helped mostly by your even meter. Your meter also encouraged me to read the poem aloud, which is the way lyric poetry was meant to be read if you ask me, so that's nice. The images are also related to one another, which also keeps the stanzas united, which I know is difficult writing a villanelle (I tried, but not nearly as successfully, here: fav.me/d5mumph). Too often must we choose between repetition and meaning! But you've managed to balance it nicely :nod:

Beauty: I needn't tell you this, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Nonetheless, it does possess that beauty we so often strive for in lyric poetry, that eloquence and brevity and perfect evocation of the senses. Rest assured, I probably would not have spent this much time in the comments section if I did not think it was pretty (oh dear, is that pretentious of me? Mia culpa ^^;)

In conclusion... Good luck with all of your future endeavors. I look forward to reading more of your work. And don't be a stranger to my gallery :D