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Submitted on
October 1, 2012
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i bare my bones to the screeching moon.
twenty-nine days, and i claw again.
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.

ribcage and spine: shadows soften too soon.
light, light, as i crawl through the glen.
i bare my bones to the screeching moon.

i gouge myself open to find the rune,
hacking, peeling, like do all wise men.
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.

pooling skin-folds, i want them scattered, strewn.
this skin's all bark and oozing holes when
i bare my bones to the screeching moon.

bubble, swell; i can hear the snakes croon.
beauty of being lies beneath the vein.
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.

crazed lust for hungered grace at night's high noon:
haunt me til all the blue months turn sane.
i bare my bones to the screeching moon;
take my flesh, take it, dye me maroon.
villanelle.

EDIT: DLD featured here [link]
and here [link]
and here [link] .
thank you so much, everyone. :rose:



this poem. sucked so much out of me.
please give it a chance.

- what do you think it's about?
- do the images convey the ideas alright?
- flow between stanzas, and even lines? they don't jump around too much, right?
- is there too much of a jump between the first two lines of the second last stanza?
- how cohesive is it, overall?
- does it still manage to possess the "beauty" that poetry is supposed to have? supposed
critique: [link]


thanks. all comments are much appreciated :rose:
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:iconblackfire3:
blackfire3 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Opinion: Our best works demand so much of us and are the better for it. Speaking of, this villanelle seems to be about sacrifice. It's all the more haunting and desperate because of the speaker's willingness to give, almost begging for his or her audience to take and do what we will.

Images: The imagery is great, evoking feelings, scenes, and colors alike. I love the juxtaposition of the moon and the color maroon; I think that using the moon in a piece tends to ensnare us in opalescence because the celestial body is, well, colorless. However, by rhyming "moon" with "maroon" and capturing them in a dance through repetition (such is a villanelle, right?), you remind us to color in all the missing shades. Mentioning the color also subtly reminds us (or me, at least) of blood without the cliché "crimson" or plain old "red."

Flow: I just wrapped up the next three questions in one, since they're all related. I don't think that there's too much jumping around or anything. There's a nice flow, helped mostly by your even meter. Your meter also encouraged me to read the poem aloud, which is the way lyric poetry was meant to be read if you ask me, so that's nice. The images are also related to one another, which also keeps the stanzas united, which I know is difficult writing a villanelle (I tried, but not nearly as successfully, here: fav.me/d5mumph). Too often must we choose between repetition and meaning! But you've managed to balance it nicely :nod:

Beauty: I needn't tell you this, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Nonetheless, it does possess that beauty we so often strive for in lyric poetry, that eloquence and brevity and perfect evocation of the senses. Rest assured, I probably would not have spent this much time in the comments section if I did not think it was pretty (oh dear, is that pretentious of me? Mia culpa ^^;)

In conclusion... Good luck with all of your future endeavors. I look forward to reading more of your work. And don't be a stranger to my gallery :D
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
wow thanks so much, again.
love your interpretation. didn't think of the colourless moon thing.
it is about sacrifice, but also just about getting rid of oneself. either way, i'm flattered that you gave this so much time.

your villanelle link doesn't work D: D:
Reply
:iconblackfire3:
blackfire3 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're so welcome! And thanks for letting me know. How about this one? fav.me/d5mumph
Reply
:iconnausealation:
Nausealation Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
Just stopping by to say that this is my most favourite literary deviation of all time; it is forever sealed in my mind. ♥
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
why thank you. that means a lot. not quite sure what to make of that.
but thank you. i'm glad you like it.
:bow:
Reply
:iconnausealation:
Nausealation Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013
You're very welcome. :heart:
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:iconhildetann:
Hildetann Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012  Student General Artist
This is a lovely poem! It mystifies me (not "what is going on in here" so much as a sort of ancient-fantasy-mysteriousness), but I feel that the poem's subject is not very abstract. In my opinion, it seemed to be about some form of ritualistic self harm (such as in the Aztec Empire). The idea of the screeching moon reminded me of the lunar goddess Coyolxauhqui (also Aztec), who was dismembered by her brother (and would probably be screaming. because of her dismemberment. yeah.) Also, the blue months mentioned in the last stanza could mean the several months of the year when even more sacrifices were being made than usual (blue i.e. sad?? idk), such as Panquetzaliztli, which was to honour the war god Huitzilopochtli. (this is what happens when my imagination goes free upon reading great poetry ok)

I think the images conveyed the ideas more than alright. They are very vivid, and one can really tell the narrator of the poem's emotions. The flow between stanzas seemed fine too, mainly due to the repetition which connects them together and the fact that the rhythm stays the same throughout. One thing that confused me a bit was the rhyming pattern (mainly because I haven't seen a rhyming pattern like this before, I'm pretty sure), which I found slightly hard to get used to, but I'm pretty sure that's just me.

okay i seriously can't believe you just asked the last question like seriously this is great and gorgeous ok (also i am sorry that this comment is so long but seriously, yeah, this is a lovely poem please keep writing :heart:)
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
first of all, sorry for the ridiculously late reply. i really didn't know how to reply to such a detailed & wonderful comment without sounding unappreciative.

the Aztecs are quite mystifying, yes. it's really interesting how you linked elements of the poem to them! very perceptive. :thumbsup the blue months definitely refer to occasionally-occurring months. i love your interpretation, but that's not really what i was thinking of when i wrote it. but that's perfectly fine :)

about the rhyming pattern: the poem is a villanelle, which is a nineteen line poem with five tercets and a quatrain. there are two repeating rhymes and two refrains. it's kind of complicated... i suggest you read about it if you're interesting. [link]
but yes, vilanelles hard to get used to and even when i read them, they sound slightly odd.

thank you so much though. can't believe you spent so long writing a comment for me TT.TT :faint:
:heart:
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:iconhildetann:
Hildetann Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Student General Artist
ahaha it's all good!!
you're welcome c: and thank you for writing this poem!
Reply
:iconragnaice:
ragnaice Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm not sure I understand this...all this about screeching and moon and the violent language makes me think of werewolves or some pain-maddened animal but google tells me a hydrangea is a flower so I guess it's about a pretty miserable flower...? I don't get the 'chorus', whom it's adressing and this emphasis on 'maroon'. Hmm, I think this is a little too deep for me...but I love the cleverness of this phrase "night's high noon" Google also tells me you weren't the first to use it but I've never heard it before and that's kind of what stuck out to me. Sorry I couldn't come up with a more helpful comment.
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